Drivers complain about Spherical Hyperactive Oversteer Limiting Extensions in the McLaren (AP News Report):
"For sure that car is quick", said Massa when informed of the latest innovation being used by his arch-rival, Lewis Hamilton.
In an exclusive interview to AP News during a tea-bagging break, the Brazilian Bastard (as he's affectionately known in the UK) expressed a mixture of surprise and anger, his mouth open like a trash can that hadn't been emptied for weeks.
Felipe was shocked but he hadn't suffered the worst of it. The Spherical Hyperactive Oversteer Limiting Extensions (or S-HOLE) caused Kimi to lose the race in Spa. The reigning world champion was then found to be underweight at Monza requiring Ferrari to add ballast. "When I crashed into the wall at Spa, both of my balls flew out of the car due to the impact and that made me too light", he said monotonically. "But obviously the problem is not with my balls, its with the S-HOLE in the McLaren".
Meanwhile, the Max Mosley Management for a Maximally Malcontent McLaren (or "mmmmmmm...." as the Ferrari team calls them) was busy finding rules to penalize the S-HOLE that many drivers were complaining about after Monza. "The S-HOLE limits oversteer by pushing the adjacent driver off the track and we are working hard to invent a rule to penalize that f***ing bas**...umm...I mean S-HOLE...in the next few races", we were told.
Meanwhile Lewis Hamilton explained how and why he got an S-HOLE. "During Spa, my balls just kept getting bigger and bigger because they soak up rain very quickly.", he blabbered while seated on a throne made of starving puppies. "I was trying to give Kimi his position back but my huge balls made it impossible to work the pedals, which is why I braked so late. After the race, James Allen took a (very good) look at my nuts and suggested I accelerate and brake with my balls for the rest of the season. That's what the S-HOLE system enables me to do."
Heikki wasn't so lucky. Asked why he was looking so sullen on the Monza podium, he replied, "I asked for an S-HOLE but instead of bigger balls, they put a gnome in my car that randomly kept punching my face throughout the race. So much for equal opportunity."
But the defining moment of our day in the paddock came when we asked Ron if he thought putting an S-HOLE in the car was a good idea, to which he replied "If Kubica can operate the gear shift with his nose and Vettel can increase revs by screaming, what's wrong with an S-HOLE using his balls?"
